Assholing 101

2/11/2016

So today I got slapped in the face, had my hair pulled and was screamed at in quite a violent fashion. I then went home and considered mixing the left over Xanax I had from my prescription that I had forgotten about but got lucky in finding a few nights earlier. I also had a full bottle of wine and considered the two together just to give it a little kick – my child was an asshole today. A giant, hairy asshole but I got rid of that thought after I remembered what happened to Whitney Houston.

So back to the inner asshole that V was mastering today. She seems exceptionally unhappy at the moment. And that’s odd because she has never been this inconvenient before. I am also exceptionally unhappy at the moment and I am probably pounding at the keys on my laptop with a little too much force. I have considered smothering myself – or her. But I can’t, because I do kinda love the little turd. So the day started off like this.

2:16am – blood curling scream from A-hole’s room – I bolt down the passage and enter the room expecting to see some horrific bloody scene and instead find that she has somehow got her foot caught in between the safety rails of her stupid toddler bed and she was currently stuck in a really uncomfortable leg/back/neck hold that Hulk Hogan couldn’t even master. And the words coming out of her mouth were a mix between a plea for help and disgust over the position she had accidentally gotten herself into. She wailed “Moooommmyyyy heeeelllllpppp meeeeeee”. I tried not to laugh – I really did. But what the fuck yo…at this time of the morning you have got to try find the humor in a scene like this – so I laughed. And she proceeded to scream at me “It’s not fuuuuunnnnnnnyyyyy Mommmmmmyyyyyy!!!!”. Over and over until I actually clamped her mouth shut – they can be real shits sometimes. Rude and ungrateful. I mean, I was the one who was helping her clean up this mess after 2am in the morning after all. I then spent the better half of 3am calming her down and assuring her that I was not laughing at her, I was laughing at the unfortunate and stupid design of her bed and how inconvenient it must be for her to get into a situation like that. She went back to sleep.

6:15am – I woke up to a fresh faced beauty – mainly because she was standing next to my bed like one of those creepy kids from Children of the Corn and loudly repeating “Mommy, mommy, mooommmyyyyyyy”…the whole effing time. I would have punched her had my arm not been dead from sleeping on it.

I got up and half walked/crawled to the kitchen. I could tell today was going to be a special day for my little A-hole because today she wanted cereal without milk. And she wanted her leak proof sippy cup, I think the dumb thing is called a WOW cup. She didn't want her normal toddler cup that she had been using for the last 12 months. Noooooooo. This little A-hole was going to make me pay for laughing at her. We had breakfast, amidst shouting, throwing of spoons, banging on the kitchen table and me silently hoping the spoon would ricochet the next time she threw it at my face and whack HER in the face.

8:45am – bath time. Fuck it. I am not even going to comment on this. I cannot. Will not.

Cant.

Deal.

9:30am – we set off on what I hope will be a positive shopping experience to the mall. My little A-hole was extra hairy in the kids section of a huge store and all but growled at every person who greeted her deceivingly cute face with her bright blue eyes and rosy cheeks.

2:30pm – I decide it's time to leave the mall and go home – mainly because I have run out of money and was tired of having to find the window cleaning dudes to get a ladder to retrieve my A-hole’s helium balloon that she had let go off for the umpteenth time that day because “Look Mommy, the balloon flies like a bird”.

I also remembered I had wine waiting for me at home. And I was kind of defeated from the disapproving looks I was getting from the other more in control Mothers.

 

3:15pm – we get in the car. That’s right. It took me over 45 minutes to get her out of the mall and into the car. God, she’s assholing so hard right now.

4:30pm – we get home because everyone decided to leave work at this specific time today. Thanks dipshits. My A-hole had no juice left and I know this because she hauled her goddamn empty juice bottle at the back of my head and proceeded to kick my seat like a mule projecting my face forward into the steering wheel each time.

4:45pm – I lose my shit. Completely. I turn around and tell her she’s got till 3 to calm down and shush. I start counting. 1, 2,…THREE. She said THREE. The little A-hole counted to three. Wow. I smack her leg. And immediately regret it. She orbits. More tears. “but, but, but..moooommmmmy why you slaaaappp meeeee”. I feel awful. So fucking awful. I don’t smack. I talk. I broke my cardinal rule. I never use my hands. My hands are supposed to show love only. I silently admit to myself that I am a fucking asshole. I then think ‘can this light please change to green. Change. Change. Go to green. Go go go.’

That mental plea for the beautiful green light turns into a thought that I am failing at parenting really badly right now. We drive home. She’s crying quietly now. It’s a little mixture of tiredness, blobs of snot and tears. I look at her in the rear-view mirror a few times and make a mental note to put in an extra effort to fix this mess I made. I also have a silent cry the rest of the ride home.

5:30pm – we are home, she’s playing in the lounge. I put on Frozen for her and currently Olaf is being impaled by an ice-pick. I am also impaling some ice into my too-full wine glass. I start cooking dinner, checking in on her a few times and wondering when the next meltdown is coming and whether I will again be the cause of it.

I go sit next to her and feel that she’s actually warm. I take her temperature. It’s 37.8. I give her something to bring it down and ask her if she’s in any pain. She tells me her mouth hurts. I ask her to open her mouth and I can clearly see two back teeth breaking through the skin.

THIS is why she was such a basket case today. I felt so shitty. I should have known better, I should have known. I am bloody Mom for God’s sake. My beautiful human is teething.

7pm – she’s bathed and happily kitted out in her Frozen PJ’s and said she’s not in pain anymore. I lay down next to her on the bed and she wraps her soft chubby arm around my neck. I breathe in her beautiful smell and she breaks down my walls with a few words… “I love you so much, Mommy”. And she kisses me on my nose.

I tell her I love her too. And I say, “Mommy was an asshole today, I’m sorry.”

My Little Miss responds… “Yeah. You were were”