Who is this asshole and her human slave?

First entry – 1/11/2016.

This is based on my experiences of being a single Mom to my three year old toddler. I have actually been a single Mom since I was 11 weeks pregnant but together, we make a power team and if I could, I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Her name is V. And no, don’t worry, that obviously isn’t her full name, I wasn’t that lazy when I went through the 500 names I loved. But V has been her ‘go to’ name since it was confirmed I was having a girl. First I was told it was a boy, then a girl, then a boy again and thank the pope it turned out she was a girl because the boy names I liked were really quite awful. She was also hiding her goods at each scan (see what I mean? That is referred to as early onset asshole syndrome)… And despite how much I love her this is my outlet to talk about her natural ability to be an asshole, sometimes. Okay, so she’s not really an asshole and I don’t really believe that she is one all the time but she really does master the art of being an asshole more times than one would think a 3 year old could. It is not just my little person that’s an asshole though- you’d be surprised at the amount of asshole toddlers there are out there. For future reference when I write ‘asshole to be or full blown asshole’, I am referring to ‘toddler to be or full blown toddler’.

V is fiery, feisty, independent, and smart with a contagious energy. She is beautiful with perfect Honey Blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes. She has a natural pout that most grown women would be mad as hell about, and her lips are the perfect cherry red hue. She is tall which sucks for me ‘cause I’m not. She has her Daddy’s height and the reason why it sucks for me is because, can you imagine how humiliating it’s going to be for me when I am telling my 16 year old off and to keep some dignity I have to either a) stand on a foot stool or b) tell her to sit on the floor while I am doing this. No parent wants their child towering over them when they are tryna be all parental and shit. So if you are a parent to an asshole to be or a full blown asshole then I am glad you are reading this because secretly, you know I am right.

Have you ever suggested your human child eat a broken chocolate? Have you ever banned your human child from sticking their fingers into a power socket? Have you ever given your human child  the pink cup when they wanted blue? Have any of these incidents resulted in a full on Hiroshima like tantrum that has made you picture punching them/yourself in the throat? Then you, too, might have a slight asshole toddler. Somewhere in the last 10-15 years toddlers got all the power – they are in fact, scary as fuck sometimes. And sometimes we feel that we have no fucking idea how to hack this parenting gig and that we are failing at it. We aren’t by the way. This is the most difficult and intense thing we will ever do.

Parenting is not just about ensuring that your child lives to the legal age of 18 without any real physical or mental scars. It’s not just about making sure that they are fed, clothed, loved and educated. It is a 24/7 job. And it is the toughest yet most rewarding job you will ever have. It’s a ‘you’re never going to sleep easy ever again job.’ It’s a type of ‘you will worry all the time’ job. Even when they are grown up and living on their own, you will worry. And you will always be there, even when they don’t want you to be. Sometimes I think that parents have become so worried about their kids hitting their milestones that we are constantly obsessed with pushing them to do that. And these kids aren't stupid by the way because they start believing this bullshit we push down their throats or eat least they pretend to believe it and in the end...we actually make them way more advanced without even realizing it. It’s okay to screw up – it’s okay to have your child miss the milestone by a few months. It’s also okay to have them reach that milestone earlier than what they need to because shit…let’s face it; there is no prescribed way to be a parent. There is no wrong way (unless you’re beating on your child, that shit ain’t right). There is no right way. There is just your way and your way will work out just fine.

One of my friends gave me the book ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ when I was pregnant. I was so excited because internally I was freaking the fuck out at the thought that I was going to be a Mommy and that I was responsible for another human life. It was a shitty read. Seriously, I expected more from that. What a load of bollocks. I’ll put my cards on the table and say I never wanted to have children. And it wasn’t because of some selfish desire to just have my life to myself and only have to take care of myself. I didn’t want to have a child because of the shitty world we live in. I didn’t want to bring an innocent life into that. It took me until my second trimester to be okay with the idea that I would maybe be an okay parent. And so far so good. I will say this much, I am glad that I am one. I am glad I have her. I am glad she’s mine. The world would be void of her bubbly and addictive laugh. It would be void of her bright smile that knocks me off my feet every single time I see it. It would be void of a great human being. Asshole and all. 

PS. I too, am an asshole.