I am wining

2/11/2016 

Yes I am posting again – don’t judge me. 

If I had R5.00 for every time I said/was told/silently thought to myself “don’t worry, it’s just a phase” about V and her epic meltdowns (or when I was reassuring friends about their assholes and openly lying about said reassurance), I could quit working and I could stay home full-time or move to an exotic island and live comfortably. I’d be rich as fuck! But, the huge majority of that fantasy money, of course, would come from the annoying voice in my head repeating over and over “it’s-just-a-phase-it’s-just-a-phase-it’s-just-a-phase” while taking deep breaths and willing my brain not to explode and/or drink myself into a happy state of semi-consciousness. 

So I am drinking that wine I had. And I am listening to Johnny Cash and having short little bursts of crying spells because parenting is hard...and also, wine and Johnny Cash together makes me cry every time. 

V is three. She is apparently a “threenager”. I don’t know what the fuck that is supposed to even mean?!  I can tell you she is a love terrorist. And a total asshole sometimes. And so far, the differences between the so-called “it’s just a phase” comments have been shorter than the real life events themselves and way more real than the thought that it's just a phase. I’ve come to the stark realization that it’s all utter bullshit. There’s no such thing as “terrible twos” or “threenagers” or whatever manipulative nicknames have been given to various stages of life to secretly trick us into being okay with it and their shitty tantrums. I think if I hear my Mom say the words "you were the same way at her age" or "I told you that you would understand when you had your own child" one more time I might run into the wall at a rapid speed to knock myself out cold. I DON'T care Mom. I don't remember being an asshole at that age, do I? And NO, I don't understand. Can't you see the tears brimming in my eyes?! Your argument is irrelevant, Mom... 

But that's just it, her argument isn't irrelevant. She is totally right. We were also assholes once upon a time. Some of us still are… Because children get older and smarter but they remain impossible to deal with on a rational level. Children are human and sometimes humans are assholes. But when you’re a kid, everything is amplified, more intense and they just don’t know how to deal. And as a parent, you don’t know how to deal either, hence the asshole reference to the kid you carried for 9 months and would actually burn the world down for. 

When you’re a kid, you have no real power or control other than being crazy cute and lovable...or they could be the world’s biggest asshole. It’s like seeing a really pretty flower and you go on over to look at it...you are in awe of the awesomeness over it. You lean in to take in the smell of this gorgeous flower because you are completely overcome with intense feelings of love for this flower, and suddenly and without notice this gorgeous flower turns into a man eating Venus fly trap. 

For those that don't get my dumb references, the flower/Venus Fly Trap is my toddler. 

But my V is not a total a-hole for the rest of her life. At least I really hope she won’t be. I don’t think she will be. She is kinda amazing and unique. Her sporadic assholeness just kind of comes in really unexpected bursts. 

So, yeah… it’s a phase, but another one is right around the corner for me (and you) so get used to it.

So my wine is officially finished. My Little Miss is sleeping soundly, her temperature is back to normal and I am still winging it. At life. Parenting. And applying eye-liner. I am 30 and still don't know how the hell to apply eye liner without looking like a panda or a disheveled crack head. 
So I am going to retreat to bed and make a silent promise to be more patient and understanding. And I promise to be less of an asshole to my little A-hole.

But before I do any of that I am going to kiss her on her nose and like every night, I will whisper in her ear while she sleeps "I love you big, I love you small, I love you more".